I laid in bed that night but I couldn't sleep. My mind was tired and confused. I made an incision on my left upper arm and I focused on the pain to avert my mind from anything else. I breathed deeply and closed my eyes. I wondered what would it be like if I was born as someone else? Would I have siblings? Would I be well-off or poor? Would I be smart or stupid or carefree?
The pain was subsiding but I controlled myself for grabbing the knife again. I hated that I was too dependent on hurting myself when I'm not sure of what to do, but the pain feels good and addicting.
I guess I really am nuts?
In the end I wasn't able to sleep. I dragged my feet through the corridor towards the classroom. I was feeling light headed and to top it off, I wasn't able to eat breakfast. I just stared at my plate until I realized I'd be late.
"The radius of a circle is increasing at the rate of 2 meters per second. Find the rate of change of the area with respect to time t when r is 6 meters."
Why is math first period? Damn. I need to endure this until lunch. I just want to pass out. I took a deep breath and tried to focus on the lesson. Before I knew it, the bell rang.
Class ended in a blur. I couldn't understand anything. I picked up my bag and walked towards the PubRoom. It was pretty crowded today but I couldn't care less. I took a seat and rested my head on the table.
I closed my eyes and drifted into sleep.
I dreamt that I was falling into a deep, endless pit. There was only darkness but in the dark I felt at ease. A part of me wished the fall doesn't end. I wanted to fade away. There was no sound, even the strong wind that embraced me as I plummet down was silent. I felt comfortable here. I wanted to keep falling.
A female voice called.
Don't wake me up, please.
"Hey, lunch is almost over."
I opened my eyes to Jessie's worried face.
"Lunch is almost over," she repeated. "Are you OK?"
I nodded which made me more dizzy. I stood up but my knees were weak. I tried to bend down to pick up my bag from the floor but my head felt like it was being hammered. Everything turned black and I already passed out before my head hit the floor.
I dreamt again but this time I was at the bottom of a dry well. I was seated at the cold stone floor, staring above where the light glinted but the light doesn't reach me. I hugged my knees and closed my eyes. I hoped no one wakes me up.
To my disappointment, I awakened. I was at the clinic, lying on the clean white sheets. The lights were dimmed and I could hear the faint sound of the keyboard and Andy Williams playing in the background.
..with the first hello, she gave a meaning to this empty world of mine...
An image of Rick crossed my clouded mind.
Why did I suddenly thought of Rick?
...she fills my heart. She fills my heart with very special things...
Why does he keep on popping in my head? His gaze, the way he smiles, his gentle touch.
I stretched and stood. I no longer feel dizzy but my stomach was churning for being empty for so long. The school nurse, Ms. Kay, looked away from her computer and smiled at me.
"You're good now?" She asked. Her voice was low and raspy in contrast to her charming features. She's a little woman, just 4'11, with short black hair and permanent smile. All of the students love her because of her small stature and big personality. She was also one of those teachers you can confide with without being afraid of getting judged. She's very subjective and gives her opinions but leave you to make your own decisions.
I nodded in response.
"Someone left you a note." She gave me a white piece of paper folded in half. The handwriting was scrawny and it was written in red ink.
I was hoping I could invite you watch the game today at 5 but I heard you passed out. Jess told me. I wish I was there with you. Hope ur OK though. R.
Ms. Kay grinned at me.
She read it, I'm sure.
"Mr. Captain left that." She pointed to the note. "I was surprised. But don't worry I'll zip my mouth."
I didn't know to respond. I looked at the time from the computer behind her. 5:15 PM
"Game just started. You can still watch. But eat first." She motioned me to stand.
I started walking to the door but stopped and turned to her. "Thanks Ms. Kay."
"Yea. You have a lot to tell me Alvin, I'm curious."
I could hear her laughter in the hallway.
Instead of heading to the gym, I went straight to the cafeteria per the nurse's instructions. In between bites of lasagna, I was debating with myself whether to watch the game or just congratulate Rick after. In the end, I went and watch anyway but I arrived at the last 10 minutes of the last quarter.
The gym was full since this was the a practice game against a neighboring highschool.
As part of the school press, I do have privileges which I made sure that I took advantage of. I walked straight to the press area, court side. Jimmy, the sports editor and Lloyd, the photographer, were seated. They were covering the game for the school paper. I waved at them and sat.
I turned my attention to the game. The first player I spotted was Rick, running, sweat glistening in his forehead, his face was serious but it's evident that he loved what he's doing. I couldn't concentrate on the game because my eyes were glued to him.