The house was empty when I got home. Rick walked me home but didn't stay. Although I secretly hoped he did but he promised to go to dinner tomorrow with my parents. I lay in bed thinking of a hundred things that may go wrong and mentally prepared my self for it.
I was never close with my father. He works at one of the biggest casino in the country. He's never home during holidays or summers, or whatever. But once every few months he'd come home and have lunch or dinner at home. I think it was his way of saying he's still alive. Even after learning I cut myself, he remained indifferent.
What would my father do when he meet Rick? After seeing how my mother reacted to my confirmation that I have a boyfriend, I lost my confidence. Now that I've finished with club, I lost distraction that would save my sanity. I paced around my room. Maybe I should study since I have exams next week?
I fished my notes from my backpack and spread them out in bed. I started with math. I stared at my notebook and the numbers were staring back at me, like it was mocking me. The numbers were a string of none sense that seemed to dance and spiral around the page.
"What?" I said out loud, but if course I didn't wait for a response because that would be too freaky.
I groaned and sank back in bed. I reached for my phone in my night stand, but instead of my cellphone, I found my hands curled around my black butterfly knife. I opened the knife and let the light shine on the sharp blade. I traced my thumb over the sharp edge and it gave me a light cut. I watched the blood as it trickled down my wrist. I let the momentary pain comfort me. I seek for more so I took off my shirt and positioned the knife right above my left breast. I took a deep breath and let the blade kiss my skin. I slowly moved the blade, letting it cut through skin, and let the blood drip down my body. I lay down and let the pain sink in.
And of course, like every time, guilt, embarrassment and anxiety slowly crept in. I got up in bed and put on my shirt. I went straight to the bathroom and filled the tub. I stripped my clothes and dipped on the ice cold water. I hugged my knees and let the coldness numb my entire body.
Back in his bedroom, Alvin's cell has been ringing. It was on silent so he never noticed. 5 missed calls. Rick has been desperately trying to reach Alvin but Alvin's holed up, trying to get himself together while anxiety eats at him.